Review: There's a Puma in the Kitchen and Other Unexpected Tales of Motherhood

It is with great pleasure I introduce a debut author to you, Heather J. Kelly. Well, new to you — I've known about her brilliance for over twenty years. . .

My collection of essays, "There’s a Puma in the Kitchen and Other Unexpected Tales of Motherhood," Provides a glimpse into all of the things I expected about pregnancy and motherhood… and all the things I actually found awaiting me. You will read about my broken boobies, my inability to let my youngest daughter sleep through the night and, oh yeah, that time I dented my oldest daughter’s forehead. ~H.J.K.

Personal bias aside, I loved this collection. Kelley's transparent writing and irreverent voice made me feel  as if I was sitting around having a drink with an old friend, sharing war parenting stories. Likeable, relatable, and real.  Sometimes I wanted to be laughing beside her, sometimes I wanted to drag her out for a much needed drink, and sometimes I just wanted to reach out and hug her as she endured the struggles of parenthood.

The book is a collection of twenty-three essays capturing the bright, bemused tone of a blog post even when tackling ticklish topics. Yet they're far from frivolous: the longer essays venture further into the all-access zone than most bloggers would dare tread. I was amazed how much deeply personal stuff Kelley actually put out there. It's one thing to relate the story of how you picked out baby names, but another to describe your breast reduction and breakdowns (which we all have endured, but don't necessarily have the balls to talk about).  She bravely lets it all hang out as she takes us on her journey to find sanity amidst two toddlers, a husband, a full-time job, and a puma dwelling in her kitchen.

Many women will appreciate the "Crazy In My Head" essay about the author's struggles with postpartum depression.  The last few paragraphs of the essay were some of the strongest in the entire collection — every mom will read it and think, "Yes, yes, that's IT. . . "

Honestly, I wish I had read a collection like this BC (before child).  It's helpful, it's fun, it's entertaining — it's the warning that none of us received— yet it also speaks of the joys outweighing the chaos. Well. . .usually. . .

Recommendation: BUY IT.  It's only $2.99 on Amazon, and it would make a fabulous read whenever you don't want to feel alone as your kids are giving you one of those days.

There's a Puma in the Kitchen and Other Unexpected Tales of Motherhood [Kindle Edition] by Heather J. Kelley (Author), Richard Trimarche (Illustrator)

You can find Heather at her writing blog: 

 Heather Kelley Writes

Run For Cover

The phone chirped again, seeming possessed by a bird I couldn't exorcise. Each time it went off I experienced the primal urge to duck under shelter, afraid mockingbirds plotted to dive-bomb me with poop. They say that's good luck, which might explain how such an ordinary girl could end up with my extraordinary life. But every time that chirp-ring sounded I looked to the sky for evidence of its eminent collapse. I thought it had caved in yesterday, the ethereal debris washed away, leaving only a lingering trail of blood and permanent case of the baby blues. I thought wrong. 

**This is a snippet of fiction, hooked up with:

 BLUE (adjective)
1  : of the color blue
2  a : bluish
    b : discolored by or as if by bruising  
    c : bluish gray
3  a : low in spirits : melancholy
    b : marked by low spirits : depressing

Below are three fairly generic passive phrases. Your goal is to make them active in a short scene, either fiction or non-fiction. You can choose one, two, or all three to play with, but you only have 100 words.

1. [he/she/I] was devastated by [...]
2. [feeling] was experienced by [...]
3. [person/thing] was possessed by [...]

Stray Cat Sucker Punch

Saturday afternoon, after my Hubby finished mowing the lawn, we heard cries from the bushes, like a kitten mewling in distress. We edged against the house into the bushes to find a grown cat, clearly terrified, far too skinny, and far too friendly.

He hasn't left our yard since.

I couldn't help it. I set food and water bowls by the front door while I waited for him to dart home. Nope. Kiddo named him Charlie,  picked him up, and carried him around the yard. He loved it. I sat out on the front bench reading; he jumped in my lap and purred, let me scratch his belly. I melted, fearing he'd be scared by the fierce storms we'd suffered lately and creaked open the ancient dog door to our porch. He found his way in and made himself at home.

Dammit. I don't want or need another cat.

Our current pet, another rescued kitten we were suckered into, is rather a bitch. She will not be happy.

I rode around the neighborhood yesterday afternoon on my grandfather's retro bike, pulling Lost Cat fliers from the basket and taping them to stop signs. This guy (and his cahones prove he is definitely a male) is a lover, and someone, somewhere must miss him, right? He's so sweet we are fighting the urge to rip the fliers down.

He only leaves our porch to use nature's litter box. He's tried to sneak into the house even with mean kitty glaring at him from the other side of the glass door. He sleeps curled up against the kitchen window, as close as he can get to indoors, our home. I have no doubt he'd curl up with us in bed if we let him.

Dammit, we're going to end up with another cat, aren't we.

***How long do you wait for a possible outdoor cat to return home?  A week? A month?
How long until you decide he's yours and take him to the vet and let him into your heart? Anyone?

 

Pinterest HIT: Crock Pot Mexican Chicken and Veggies

I am slightly afraid of my Crock Pot. It sits alone, clean and shiny, atop dozens of cookbooks in my cupboard. So many recipes call for browning and precooking before you toss things into it, which seems like an utter waste of time. Why bother?

 After seeing half a dozen pins for Crock Pot Taco Chicken, I decided to adapt one of my tried and true stove top recipes. Same concept, just instead of poaching the chicken on the stove (which involves watching and timing) I toss it into the crock pot. So simple, there was no way I could screw it up, right?

Right for once.  Easy. Easy. Easy. Incredibly adaptable. You can add beans and veggies and make it with organic and/or clean ingredients. Make a big batch and freeze leftovers for easy weeknight meals. Total HIT.

Crock Pot Mexican Chicken {and Veggies}

*inspired by pins from Chocolate Therapy and The Gracious Pantry*

 basic:

6 pieces boneless skinless chicken breast (I plopped them in frozen)
1 16 oz. jar salsa (I like Newman's Own Pineapple, Mango, or Farmer's maket)
1 packet taco seasoning or equivalent (great *clean* recipe here)

healthy options:

1 can black beans (drained)
1/2 bag frozen or small can corn
1 bag Birds Eye frozen bell pepper stir-fry (or fresh sliced onions and peppers if you have them)
1 cup shredded or juilenned zucchini

Arrange the chicken breasts in as close to a single layer in the pot. {I dumped them in frozen.} Add salsa and seasoning and gently mix.

Cook 4 - 6 hours on high (4 worked fine from frozen for me) or 6 - 8 hours on low.

If you are around, flip the chicken after two hours or so so it cooks faster. About 1 hour before you plan on eating (after 3 hrs on high) or when chicken looks pretty cooked through, take it out and shred. It should practically fall apart when you pull at it with two forks. Dump back in pot. Add in beans or veggies and stir. Continue cooking for at least another hour or until you are ready to eat.

***If you aren't home at all while this is cooking you can dump it all in at one time. I just happen to be home and I like my veggies crisp if possible.

***Serve on tortillas, over rice, in enchiladas, as fajitas — the options are endless.  Add your favorite cheese, veggies, sour cream, guacamole, etc. and you have a meal.

***With chicken, black beans, corn, and peppers, this made easily enough for 3 meals for 2 adults + 2 kids.  Leftovers went straight to the freezer for easy meal to thaw.

Easy. Healthy. Hit.

Did you try any Pinterest inspired recipes this week? How did they work?

 Leave a link in the comments if you'd like to share.

Frankly my dear. . .

This excerpt is from The Last Resort, my WIP. Just a snippet, cut down for proper size.

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A yellow jeep sat in the bodega parking lot. My stomach dropped. Rye strolled across the pavement, whistling, his arms heavy with shopping bags. Zoe dragged me across the alley towards him. 

 

“Hey hot stuff, we need your help,” she said.

 

“Nice to see you  Zoe . . . Evie . . .” His eyes seemed to brighten as he said my name. I swallowed down the butterflies rising through my chest. “I'm always willing to come to the aid of a damsel, or sea nymph, in distress. How can I be of service today?” 

 

Zoe nudged me forward. My voice seemed to be snagged somewhere in my throat. I stood taut as wild horse about to bolt.

“I need twenty-five dollars cash to open my dead husband's post office box.” The words just burst out, harsh and forthright. My fists clenched at my sides. 

 

Rye's face hardened. He crossed his arms and leaned with a deliberate grace against his jeep. He studied my face, taking in each freckle dotting my flaring nostrils, each eyelash quivering as I seethed.

“What can you give me for collateral?” His voice was firm and smooth, his eyes slits, measuring my worth.

“Collateral?” It was twenty-five dollars, not a high-risk mortgage. Was he making fun of me because he knew I defaulted, my credit was gone? Why was every man out make my life impossible? As hysteria threatened to send me over the edge, I noticed a tic jumping from the side of his lips. His chest jerked against his  forearms,and  soft snorts escaped though his slightly asymmetric nose. Then the dam burst and laughter spilled from him in choppy waves. 

 

“Relax, Evie. Didn't you ever watch or read Gone With the Wind?”

I blinked at him blankly. 

 

“Famous book? Oscar winning film? Rhett was in the horse jail. Scarlett asked him for money to save her plantation. She blurted it out just like you did.” He shrugged and flashed his suggestive half smile. “I just couldn't resist a little tease.”                 ****

I nearly melted into the asphalt sizzling below me. Fate was fucking with me.  As a teen I'd cuddled up with my worn copy, dreaming of luring the shameless Rhett Butler away from his lusty ladies of the night, of becoming a woman so irresistible he couldn't live without me. Layla said my infatuation with the cad had left me destined for a life full of scoundrels and bad boys. Like my former husband. Like Rye. 

The man standing before me looked far too blonde and scruffy to be mistaken for a swarthy Clark Gable, but he was just as sexy, just as dangerous, and much more attainable. I didn't want to give a damn. 

“Of course I've read it. It's just been a rough day. You caught me off guard.”

“That seems to happen often.”

“And if I recall correctly, Rhett was asking for quite a bit more in collateral than I'm willing to provide.”

“Hmm. . .” Rye pulled out his wallet. He removed three bills and fanned them between his erect fingers. “So, you're not willing to become my mistress for twenty-five bucks?”

“Not a chance. But I will gladly borrow your money, thank you very much, and return it to you as soon as I find a working ATM in this ass-backward country.” I snatched the bills from his fingers, startled by the charge created by the brief brush against his skin. “I've already spent too much of my life being a kept woman. It's high time I struck out on my own.” Flashing my most flirtatious smile, I pivoted away from him, and strutted away on my terms. “Besides, you couldn’t afford me." 

His hand cupped my shoulder, halting me mid-step. “Forgive me for being so forward, 
but. . .” His hand slid down to my hip. My gasp sounded more like a drunken hiccup as he firmly and slowly brushed against the seat of my jeans. Shock waves coursed through my body.

 “You had dirt on your pants. We wouldn't want you going around town with everyone staring at your derriere for the wrong reason, now would we?” 

 

Damn it. I just could not be around this man without turning my own shade of scarlet.

******************************************

 And if you were wondering about the waterfall from the last excerpt/prompts (Into the Wild), this was my inspiration for the ethereal setting.

Linking this up with the Yeah Write Challenge. Check it out.

Pinterest Hit or Miss Monday - Zucchini Tot FAIL

They looked so good: wholesome, family friendly, healthy, fun. . .

They were a royal PITA.

Source: curiouscountrycook.blogspot.com via Vinobaby on Pinterest

Zucchini Tots. They were called zucchini bites, but I like "zucchini tots'' better.

 They are the healthy version of tater tots. 

The recipe for these couldn't be any easier. 

~ Pinterest caption

Zucchini Bites

via The Curious Coutry Cook

Recipe adapted: The Naptime Chef

yields: 12 mini muffins

1 cups zucchini, grated
1 egg
1/4 yellow onion, diced
1/4 cup cheese (cheddar or Parmesan work the best)
1/4 cup bread crumbs - I used Italian style
Salt and Pepper

1. Preheat oven to 400F. Spray a mini-muffin tin with non-stick spray, set aside.
2. Grate the zucchini and then place in a dish towel to squeeze out the excess water- like when using frozen spinach; if you skip this part, the middle of the zucchini tots will be really soggy while the outside gets crispy and no one wants that.
3. In a bowl combine, the egg, onion, cheese, bread crumbs, zucchini, salt and pepper.
4. Using a spoon or a cookie scoop, fill the muffin cups to the top. Bake for 15-18 minutes, or until the top is browned and set.

 ********************

They looked so good I made a double batch.

I used my handy-dandy mini food processor to grate my zucchini early in the day — so simple. I headed the warning about the *really soggy* mess and drained the zucchini pulp on paper towels for hours in the fridge then squeezed the living tar out of it before mixing.

Apparently not nearly enough.

I used cheddar cheese (you can never have too much cheddar) and followed the recipe exactly.

They smelled divine cooking. My tummy rumbled.

I got this:
 

 They suck to the pan, the insides were complete mush, and there was not a hint of *totness* anywhere in my kitchen even after I baked them ten minutes longer than called for.

I can only assume I didn't squeeze hard enough or I had some really damn juicy 'chinnis.

They DID taste divine, and I piled the mess onto our plates. Even the kid said it was yummy. It tasted just like squash casserole to me — pretty much the same thing, so next time I'll just make the much less time consuming casserole.

Oh, and the pan. . . it took two days of soaking to get that darn non-stick pan clean.

I'd have to vote this as a MISS.

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Crafty — Tervis Glass Teacher Gift

Happy Monday to you. Did you try any recipes you found on Pinterest over the weekend?  How about any crafts for the kids, gifts, fashion statements, home improvement projects... there's just SO much stuff to try!

If you tried something new, did it work?  Was the recipe a keeper or did you have to order take-out instead?  Did everyone ask you how you made such a spectacular gift or did you bury deep it in the trash and run to the store?

Inquiring minds want to know.

We all spend so much time pinning these brilliant ideas, but we all wonder does it really work?

Tell us. Link up below. Share your hits and misses, your 4-star ratings and your flops.  I'll show you mine if you show me yours. 

My HIT of the week: Teacher's Gift Cup

Everyone has been pinning teacher gifts in a desperate attempt to do something different, less expensive than a $50 gift card (which I'm sure any teacher would love but no one can afford), and useful.

I pinned a cute cup filled with single serve dink mixes, originally from Lisa Storm's blog.

Hmm...I knew Kiddo's teacher was a huge Yankees fan...I could find a Tervis cup and make this...  {If you don't know Tervis glasses, you totally need to go buy one. Now. They are amazing.}

The original post even had a handy-dandy print out for the straw flags! Perfect!

This end of year teacher gift turned out much better than it looks in the picture, and Kiddo said his teacher loved it.

Total cost: around $15

WIN!

************************************

Now its YOUR turn. Link up your Pinterest hit or miss. Maybe you tried it a few weeks ago and already posted about it. Maybe you have the pictures of your dinner disaster or fabulous cupcakes still sitting on your camera (because we all know we take pictures of everything).  Link it up.

I only ask that you:

* Give credit where it's due. Include links on your post to the original blog post that gave you your inspiration.

* Feel free to include a link to your Pinterst Page. More followers, yeah!

* Would you mind adding the blog badge below to your post so others can join in the fun? {Thanks!}

* Have fun!

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Clear the Clutter by Filing Your Farvorite Magazine Clippings with Pinterest

If you are anything like me (or the estimated 4 MILLION unique visitors per day) you may spend a bit too much of your free time on Pinterest. Time you should be doing something productive.

I decided to combine those two options.

If you are anything like me, you have stacks of old magazines laying around the house, collecting dust bunnies, and resembling the Leaning Tower of Pisa. There's stuff in there you want to keep, but what do you do with it?

I've tried to rip out pages of design ideas, gift suggestions, cute outfits, and the bane of my clutter RECIPES. For years I neatly cut out and taped all the recipes into homemade cookbooks.  Then I moved onto a database file system, but that involved cutting and pasting and reformatting, and the photos rarely transferred correctly.

If you follow me on Pinterest (and if not, why not?) you may have noticed I've been pinning like a crack fiend lately.  I'm going through all my old magazines, pinning the recipes & designs I want to keep, so I can get rid of the clutter.

Those magazines from 2010 — gone!

{Technically, they are being ceremoniously donated to the library book store so someone else can enjoy them.}

It's so much easier to flip through my Pintrest pics to get dinner ideas. And there's room to comment on them, so I can add if I've tried it/liked it/altered it.***

And there's no worry about copyright infringement — everyone from Better Homes & Gardens to Martha Stewart now has a "Pin It" button right on the page. They've come to recognize the power of sharing good ideas.

Give it a try. Get rid of the clutter! And make something good for dinner.

************************************

Speaking of something good for dinner ... We've all collected recipes and craft ideas (even though we may hate cooking and be utterly un-crafty) on Pinterest and dreamed we could do it just like in the beautiful photo.

Right.

Sometimes it does work.

Sometimes we end up with a muffin tin we just throw away instead of scrub or a cake that looks like roadkill.

We all photograph our projects (you know you do), so why not share the hits and misses. We all want to know what works. We all want to laugh at the flops so we don't feel so bad about our failures. And it's just nice to know what ideas are really worth a try.

So come back for PINTEREST HIT OR MISS MONDAY and link up you success and failures. Please? We promise not to laugh too hard... unless you want us to...