Someone tell me about the BIRDS and the BEES...

The time is drawing near. 

I won't be able to deflect the questions much longer. 

How did you approach THE TALK with your kid(s)?

Last weekend I was thrilled to meet up with an old high school/college friend when she came to town to do Disney. She met my "boys" and I met her darling son and hubby. Oh, and she was visibly pregnant with number two (yay!). Knowing I had gone through a rough patch dealing with secondary infertility a few years back, she broke her good news to me gently.  Exceptionally considerate of her, but while I am over the moon happy for her, I am beyond baby lust at this point. Way beyond. As in: that ship hasn't just sailed, it was attacked by pirates and sunk. The thought of diapers and potty training and sleepless nights and...panic attack central.

I can't imagine going back to the baby business because my thoughts speed towards standardized testing,  bullying, online safety, kids and cell phones, and...explaining sex to my 9-year-old.

Last night at the dinner table—immediately after my husband excused himself—my son popped the question. Technically questions.

Him:  Mama, your friend was pregnant, right?

Me: Yup.They're so excited.

Him: (pause—fussing with napkin) So, how do women get pregnant? And how do women KEEP FROM getting pregnant?

Whoa! Panic! Panic! Sound the alarm. Call in the flying monkeys. Swoon? Am I raising a feminist or a Casanova? 

Somehow  I managed to just spear another bite of salad and play it cool. (All those years of acting paid off.)

Me: That's an excellent question. But we don't have time to answer that right now. Want a cookie? (crap, crap, crap, crap...where the hell is my husband...crap, crap...) How about two cookies?

Is nine (and a half)  too young? Should I keep pushing it off? Too old? Just right?

We forget sometimes how blissful it was to revel in that naivete. But this childhood innocence lasts for such a short time now. I mean, my kid's favorite song (though I tried, so help me, I TRIED to deter it) is Gangnam Style. Yes, he and his little buddies dance around singing "Hey....SEXY lady..." at the bus stop. It's like a runaway train. Once this this growing up business begins there's no hand brake—we all just hold on for dear life and try to find a way to steer so we don't crash too hard.

My kid is smart and perceptive, but he doesn't question things too often. We watch the news together and I usually don't get pummeled with questions when stories about gay rights or sexual abuse in the church or Zumba prostitution rings come up. Of course, I choose those moments to butt in with a question about school or Legos or the color of frog poop (as our friend says, "Look! A dirigible!"). But I actually have my answers prepped for those questions, so of course they haven't come up. 

The sex talk is another story. I'm clueless.

So, parents...how did you break the news? Anyone have any advice? Books to buy? I could always just set him down in front of prime time TV and he'd figure it out pretty quick, but I'm thinking that's not the right way to go...

I'll  keep putting THE TALK off as long as possible, but I need to be prepared. The Girl Scout in me is in panic mode. Help?

 FLASHBACK: A little Salt-N-Pepa encouragement



 


 photo credit: oleyography via photopin cc