Movie Theater Mayhem

Dear Incompetent Parents of Obnoxious Children:

Please stay out of my movie theater. I beg you. If I had more balls (or technically any at all) I would whip around in my chair and tell you to control your rotten child, but alas, I was raised with manners—unlike you.

I go to the discount theater with my own child fully realizing there is more leniency there. It is where I taught my toddler how to behave in a movie theater.  But I TAUGHT him.

It is not a place where you let kids run wild and free. We are not at the zoo or playground.

I really did not appreciate your little boy bouncing on the back of my chair and blowing spit bubbles into my ear.  I was rather annoyed when he dumped his jumbo candy into my purse (perhaps sugar was not the best thing to give a wired child considering you I wanted him to SIT STILL).  I started getting pissy when he began shouting "I want to go home!" at the top of his whiney voice. Guess what? I really freaking wanted him to go home too. Perhaps that was a subtle clue for you to remove him to a place where you could have a nice little chat about indoor voices.

I understand kids will wiggle around and talk during movies. This is a given. My own child does a bit. But when you converse back with him in your full-on-New-Jersey outdoor voice you really aren't setting very good example. You kinda need to whisper to him, get close in his ear, and explain that YOU DON'T YELL DURING A MOVIE. You drop your voice to that very quiet but dead serious tone and tell him.  If you do not have that very useful I mean business now voice, get one.  Threaten his life or to take away his TV or video games or his popcorn and candy. Or heaven forbid, tell him if he doesn't behave he will miss the rest of the movie. 

You see, kids don't automatically know how to behave in theaters (or restaurants, on airplanes, I could go on and on).  It is not an innate behavior. That is why we must TEACH them how they should behave. It's kinda our job.

So asking him, "Jakie, don't you want to sit down?" isn't really going to work.  Obviously he does NOT want to sit down.  He wants to run up the row bumping everyone's chairs and making us spill our drinks in our laps. You TELL him to sit down.  Try it. It may work better. YOU are the parent.  And if you cannot control your spawn in any way it is time to leave.

And that brings me to people with infants.  I completely understand it's too hard and ridiculously expensive to get a sitter. That's why I have no life. You can bring your infant to a movie if it will stay sleeping or at least content.  But if that baby starts screaming at the tops of its tiny yet extremely effective lungs it is time to STEP OUTSIDE.  I don't care if you don't want to miss a part of the movie. THE REST OF US don't want to miss it either.  When I can't hear the already deafening dialog over your baby's wailing it's time to go.  And bouncing in the isle while the baby wails and you hiss "shhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhh" over the sound of the movie doesn't cut it either. Into the lobby, I beg you.

What's missing in these situations is a little thing called common courtesy.  I understand it is no longer common, but please learn about it.

And Incompetent Mom—you are SO lucky it was a cheapo movie.  If I had paid $15 a piece just for us to walk in the door I would have been in the managers face to have you removed.  But alas, there are always a few families like your around, which is why I hardly ever set foot in a movie theater anymore.  Life is too short to pay to be in your presence for 2+ hours.

Sincerely,

A Mom with Manners

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